beckyswa

www.myspace.com/beckyswa

It might actually be active soon.

I'm messed up right about now. Like... really messed up. I hate school yet I love it. I hate kids, I fucking hate them, lessons are largely boring, yet there's a few I like and/or find important, there's Chris who I'd seriously go to school solely for (hell, I have a few times), then there's Chris who makes me want to stab myself, there's Liane who's fantastic, yet can again make me want to stab myself, there's the holidays, which I'm glad I have, yet I already havn't seen Chris in over a week, because he was away for the last week of school, and I don't know how I'm gonna cope for the next six, and I tend to hate holidays because I have so much time that I feel like I'm pissing away. I so want year 11 to be over and done with, yet I don't even want to go in... I want to do as well as I can, yet I don't know if I can be arsed even trying. And I'm not sure I want to leave anyway! And what after year 11?! I don't want to have to leave Chris. Ever. Especially not in just a year. Hell, not even that! I'm aware that's pathetic. I can't help really liking him... but then when I think about it, I don't think I would if I could. Another reason to want to stab myself then. Yeah, there's two people I feel strongly for right now, but I'm unaware quite what I think of them, I just... have strong emotions for and involving them. What else..? Umm... emotions everywhere; so much pent up anger, that comes out in explosions at awful times, or I hack out of myself. Self harming's gotten bad... I can't help it. Fuck it, I don't want to, can't be arsed to. My head's everywhere, I hate myself, I don't see the point in anything... not just now, EVER. What's the point in anything? Breathing, living, loving... EXISTING? I can't find one.

Umm... I guess... I'm a fuck up, the world's fucked up, and I'm planning one small step... Internet, bye bye. I'm not bothering with it at all, probably for quite a long time. I'm getting rid of my connection, but I'll probably get another soon. After these holidays? Maybe later. But either way, I should be around a little after these holidays, even if it's just in school.

I've gone and embarassed myself, but fuck it, I'm posting it... I'm not going for good, but won't show my... username... for a long time. Goodbye for now, Everyone, look after yourselves.

Alright.. basically, I'm currently sick of the internet and the fact that I'm always on here. It's my school holidays now, and I'm gonna take some time off. I'll probably nip on for a little while a few times, but I'm basically taking the next two weeks off.

So.. I might talk to you briefly in the next two weeks, but if not I should see you around after them.

Bye now.